i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
