apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
