My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
