I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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