I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I have tasted many bathrooms
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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