don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Everclear isn't food dammit
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
