Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Randomize
