I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize