she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
