Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
