Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Princesses don't give blow jobs
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
