Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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