He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize