I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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