She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Did I show you my penis last night?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
This baby is an asshole
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
