I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
