My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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