New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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