You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
