Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
