Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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