remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
