My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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