There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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