Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize