I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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