he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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