Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize