I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Quick, to the slutcave!
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
