so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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