chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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