if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
