Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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