I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
