i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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