Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
