So drunk its hurt
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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