Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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