my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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