The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Just pee around me
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
