Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
