Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
