i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
