It's like God shit irony all over that family
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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