I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
