hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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