Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
