apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
