I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
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