Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
