Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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