he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Randomize
