Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You may now shotgun with the bride
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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