I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
