he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
