Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Everything about him screamed your future.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
