worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
this hospital has no fireball
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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