bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
