let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
