The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
nutella sex= disaster
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
