In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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