I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Even my vagina gasped.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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