Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
you would pick up someone in the library
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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