does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
