I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
