I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
