if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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